Taking my Time

It was all His plans. For me to go through such hardship in life. I was feeling out of the world whole time. In a delusional perfect life. I was so happy in my life. I went through quite smooth & nice all my life. Delusional is pushing me deep down. When delusional starts to fades it ticks me off badly. I always thought I did my best, I'm doing fine, I'm independent, I'm lovable but in truth. I'm not, I'm not perfect, I procrastinate, I'm not making effort to become a better & stronger person. I always appear strong enough to hid it from everyone else, but deep down I'm not in any better. I'm no where better. I feel vulnerable & naked in all those moment that happened. I was in fear & traumatized. I still do.

At these moment in my life, I went onto roller coaster ride without knowing fear. I'm riding it with excitement, fun & happy. When I realized it was to late. Coaster ride turns bad, I'm riding with fear, anxiety & depression. Excitement doesn't last long as fear. It kept us minded all the time. Unable to develop any defenses without prior notice. 

I've been taking my time to heal my inner self & mind. I was so afraid, I am so scared of everything. I live in a completely shut life. It was an indescribable feelings. I long for something, I felt like I've been searching for that one thing, I would never reach. I've been trying to catch it but it was nowhere found. I search and search and search. I'm so tired. I'm breaking down. I am unable to concentrate anymore. I'm lost. 

But I believe I will get better I just need longer time. Oh God Heal me. I've been trying and I will keep on trying. I will not run away. I will go for what I want. I will search for where & what I belong to. I will appreciate my life I have right now. To love & appreciate people around me. To make a better life out by myself. Live in a happy life. Be stronger, Be confident, Be a better person. 

Keeping myself in mind that Lord Jesus will always be by my side no matter what. I want to live, to live and look for adventure. There is up & down moment. But I believe everything will be fine. I'm glad I went to my church retreat for 3 days 2 night. It was fun, tired but memorable for me. I will embrace all my flawless & strength together to make me a better person. Taking one step at a time. 

Till then,

Cheers & God Bless.